Modus Eundi

When the run is finished I look up into the trees. For over a year now I have been obsessed with death and suicide. Other people’s, mostly.

It started with a trip to the Far East. I had to take anti Malarial treatments the side effect of which was suicidal thoughts. One day not long after getting back I was sitting in front of a computer screen when suddenly and without warning I found myself wanting to slash my wrists. Envisaging blood. Wanting to die. Lingering on black thoughts.

It was a place I had never expected to visit and was unprepared. Fortunately I could step outside myself and understand what was happening.

Then last year I was running underneath a viaduct when someone threw themselves off it. The body got caught in a tree. I am an Atheist. No, really.

In town I shop. There is a young man of twenty-two, twenty-three maybe. He is retarded: sweet like a child. He always says hello to me. He always blushes. He enriches my day. People like him are becoming rarer. Increasingly they are weeded out before they can grow. Is this evolution?

I know scientists, doctors, lawyers, teachers and artists. I have met the weird and the wonderful, the famous and the rich but this young man who stacks shelves in a small, corner shop is the most unique and interesting person I know. Most people don’t even see him.